Comparison 🥀

After years of working on myself, I realised that the comparison track was still playing on repeat in the background of my subconscious. It’s the fastest way for me to go from feeling full and confident to insecure and ‘not enough’. In my 20’s I constantly compared my relationship status, eventually realising that I don’t want what anyone else has got. I want my own version of a relationship which will be nothing like anyone else’s. Did I even want a relationship or was I just bowing to societal pressures? My remedy was to cultivate a deeper relationship with myself. In my early 30’s I thought I wasn’t in the comparison trap anymore, until it dawned on me that I was forever comparing my body and my looks with other women. Another layer to work on, so to off to work on it I went. Now in my late 30’s what’s coming up is a deeper layer. I’m comparing where others are at on their spiritual, creative and entrepreneurial journey. I didn’t even realise I cared about being an entrepreneur – I only just learned what the word meant a few years ago! I have formed new connections with individuals recently that are more aligned with my values. It has been so comforting to finally feel like there is a whole community out there of like minded and supportive people. But it has come with the new challenge of me seeing their incredible light then comparing and dimming my own. Similar to the transition between primary and high school, I suddenly feel like a little fish in a very big pond. Where I was once perhaps a little smug about my spiritual understanding and experiences, I’m now among those who have been there done that and built a successful business around it. It is inspiring and simultaneously intimidating, but I know that these people have entered my world to show me that what I see in them also exists in me. I have been honest with some of them about not feeling good enough for the exciting and amazing opportunities that I have coming up. They confided that they feel the same at times. A friend pointed out to me that the feeling of fear and excitement are one and the same – so I can choose to see my feeling scared as being on the precipice of something great instead! It is all about choices after all. Whenever I have a deep conversation with another or we sit in circle, I feel less inclined to compare because I understand that underneath we all have similar fears, different missions and unique expressions of creativity.

I always get a picture in my mind of when this pattern of comparison started for me – playgroup, kinder and school. I dont know what its like now, but back then we were constantly being compared with the other kids in class. I remember a game we used to play where 2 students would stand up in front of the class and the teacher would yell out a math sum. The one to answer quickest moved forward on a ladder on the floor made with rulers. I could never answer because the stress of everyone looking at me made me forget my times tables and lose my voice. What resulted was me being left behind and feeling that the whole class thought I was dumb. That game used to make me sick with fear. As did being picked last for team sports – mortifying! I was always comparing myself to other kids anyway because I looked different with my curly hair, I ate different with my healthy food (health was NOT cool in the early 80’s!), and I hated sport (good at sport = popular at school). Inner child work has helped defuse the stress around this memory and how it affects me in my adult life.

At times I compare my situation to others and think my life is so much easier or better than theirs and I get a false sense of satisfaction. We all make different life choices and I sure as hell don’t like it when people pity me. Everything is a mirror. I am working on clearing my beliefs around all of this, and the negative charge I have about comparison so I can be all that I want to be and more, not hold myself back because of fear. Dropping my old programs to give myself the freedom to grow and learn and make my mark on the world! I want to help others and to do that I have to constantly work on myself. Rather than run away from my shadow I lean into it. I’m learning where I have been conditioned to avoid pain or certain behaviours to keep others happy. I am 100% committed to unraveling and becoming more of who I truly am. The deeper I go, the easier and more fulfilling life is.